Stupid Names

 

As part of my effort to make myself useful on The Facebook, I’ve taken to posting funny names on my wall.

The names have been well received; friends I see always comment on it and tell me how much they look forward to receiving a new name each day.

If you doubt the veracity of my choices, do a search of The Internets. Some people find it hard to believe that anyone would be named Wyndol “Pokey” Faggard orJocasta Whippy.

Jocasta is a British cello-er… or cellist as some say. And if you need to engage her services, her number is right there on her  website. She does weddings.

Good for her. And for us, ‘cause that’s a good name… for a laugh.

Now Wyndol Faggard has a certain illicit, derogatory sexual connotation. Funny, in a sort of sniggering, “I-shouldn’t-really-be-laughing-at-this,” way.

But, throw in “Pokey” and you’ve got something special. Pokey? Perhaps he was a cowboy, a “cowpoke” as some say? Did he have the nickname Pokey all of his life? Did he go through junior high being called Pokey Faggard? Would have been rough.

I know very little of Mr. Faggard. What his hopes and dreams were, who he loved, what good things he did. What I do know is that he’s dead.

Most of the funny names I dig up (pardon the expression) are from funeral announcements. It’s a quick and easy way to get lists of names. The hard part is finding the gold, panning those nuggets.

That’s where I come in.

It’s my “talent” that separates the wheat from the chaff.

That said, making light of the names of the recently deceased does make one pause. Briefly.

I’m not clear on the legality of making fun of someone’s name. I know you can’t libel the dead. They may not be able to sue me, but a rigorous haunting could be in my future.

To be clear, not all of then names I’ve discovered are newly dead. Because there’s a method at work here; my appellation scalpel slices surely and precisely. Most of the time.

An example: Suppose, hypothetically, that you have a man named Robert Stone. Not so funny. Actually not funny at all; a boring, run of the mill name.

But, if you search the poor devil’s obit, you may find that he has a brother named Rock. Yes, Rock.

Suddenly you have a name. Not a super hilarious one, but one worth a chuckle.

Rock Stone. Heh. It’ll do on a slow day.

Certainly it’s easy to make fun of a name like Dick Kerwood or Harry Pujols, what I call “anatomic” names. Of course referencing dicks or johnsons or cocks or butts or wieners or cracks are guaranteed chucklers.

At least they are to folks with a elementary school sensibility. Folks who like Farrelly brothers movies love names like Bonnie Tittsler. Or Leona Cluette Dick. Or even Dick Klug.

Penis references and breast jokes are all fine and good, but my tastes run more toward odd names or uniquely twisted ones. Many times these involve middle names or maiden names or nicknames.

Whatever you gotta do, I say.

An example of a name I find hilarious: Gertie Muckenfuss Creel.

Again, I”m sure Gertie was a fine woman, but it would have been hard to keep a straight face when young Gertie Muckenfuss was introduced.

And marrying Mr. Creel didn’t help much.

Another: Norma Bjork Custard. Delightful. And I hope she enjoyed the name, made it a prank she pulled on others. I hope it wasn’t a burden.

Some names could be a burden. Ask Clittie Gosa. Or Louise Kook. Or Betty Jo Dick.

Or Dick Swank. Or Carol Delight Assman. Or Harry Root.

Just ask them all. If you could. Unfortunately, all of them are dead.

A few more examples of “funny” names:

KITTY DICK

JACK HARE

ANNA BUTELA

JIMMY A. FINK

LLOYD “PUD” REAM

HARRY TRIMMER

MIKE CRON

COTTON STORK

SKIPPER STORK

ZULA BOBO

FRANCES MULLE

TINKER SINKO

KAY COCKER

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